There are two kinds of snowbirds. Some drive here and some fly. All of them are getting away from the snow up north. There is nothing wrong with being a snowbird. There is a problem only if you are a “damn snowbird”. If you don’t know the difference we’ll let you know. Just ask.
In the meantime here are a few tips to keep you falling into that second cetegory.
We go to the beach, not down to the shore.
They are flip flops not sandals. And they are definitely not thongs. Yikes that is a mistake you do not want to make. Locals are allowed to wear socks with flip flops when it gets chilly. You cannot wear socks with flip flops. Ever.
Chilly means the temperature has dipped below 70. Under Sixty is cold. Fifty is freezing. Forty is Freakin’ Freezing. We don’t even want to talk about lower temperature than that. And, yes, we have seen lower temperatures. It has snowed in Florida. I’ve seen it firsthand. I could count the flakes on that hand.
We have no-see-ums not gnats. Those giant flying things are palmetto bugs.
It does not rain here, but on occasion the sunshine turns liquid and falls to the ground.
Don’t try to use “y’all” until you know how to use it properly. You are “you”. You and y’all’s relations are y’all.
When we call you “sir”, “ma’am”, “hon”, “sweetie” or “darlin'” don’t get bent out of shape. We don’t mean anything by it. It is just a polite way to address someone you don’t know.
Now, if we say “bless your heart”, it is time for you to shut up and move along. Seriously.
It is perfectly acceptable for a grown-ass man or woman to call their parents mama and daddy.
Grits come with breakfast. Hush puppies come with lunch and supper.
Conch has two hard ‘c”s. It is pronounced “konk”.
When we tell you to do the “stingray shuffle” we do not want to see your killer dance moves. We are just trying to keep you safe. You see stingrays like to bask in the sand in shallow water. They don’t mean to hurt you, but they don’t take kindly to being stepped on (who does?) and as they take off the stinger in their tail might end up in your foot. The solution is to drag your feet along the sand to let them know you are coming so they can scoot away. This is the stingray shuffle.
You don’t have to ask if there is a gator in that pond, lake, creek or water filled ditch. There is.
DO NOT FEED THE WILDLIFE! That goes for seagulls as well as gators. The birds get very agressive and will not leave us alone if they are used to being fed. The gators will eat us if they get used to being fed. It’s that simple. I don’t care how cute a picture it will make, DO NOT FEED THE WILDLIFE!
It’s Publix. Not Wegmans or Krogers or whatever you have back home. Don’t like Publix? Bless your little heart.
Just because a car has Florida tags does not mean they are locals. Lots of snowbirds make Florida their resident state to avoid taxes. So all those bad drivers? Yeah, they are from someplace else.
They are not stickers or prickers. They are sand spurs and they want to kill you, y’all’s relations and your dog. Seriously. They will flatten your car tires if you let them. They can be found most anyplace there is sand. You will step on one or at the very least get one stuck on your pants unless you never walk outside. In which case what are you doing here?
Florida has issues. No need for you to point them out. Everyplace on the planet has issues. Thing is we own ours. We embrace them. We brag about them. We can because we live here. You don’t.